Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
