She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
