Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
