i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
