I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
