I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
