Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i need some magic done to my vagina
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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