i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
