I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
