Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
