I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
