its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
