good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
