Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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