I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
