My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Randomize
