He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
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