For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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