Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
