I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
