We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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