If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
