Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
