I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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