What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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