girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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