I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
