The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
