I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
