Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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