I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
