I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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