Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
