I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
