i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
