I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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