I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
