Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
