Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
