3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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