WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
