she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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