member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
