now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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