3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
