What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
