I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
