she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
