All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
