McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
