I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
